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Tips for the contractor remodeling Victoria Beckham’s home

Beckhamdodgers_2According to a tipster quoted on the Celebrity Houses Blog, the 13,000-square-foot, $22 million Beverly Hills mansion bought by uber celebrity Victoria Beckham “still needs a bit of work inside.”

That bit of work could be a tax-bracket-changing gig for a SoCal remodeling contractor. Toward that goal (get it?), here are some tips:

First and foremost, be ugly. Victoria’s already said she won’t hire any good-looking help (you may recall a nanny issue some time ago). I assume that will extend to the male gender.

And don’t let the remodel itself be too striking or attention-getting. As Victoria said, it’s all about her, and you’d be wise to keep it that way.

Then, rather than trying to get Victoria to understand your lingo (“Whatcha mean, toilet? What’s a toilet? Ooooh, it’s a loo!!!), it would be easier for you to learn her language. Here’s what you need to know:

1. Don’t call it a remodel, bloke! In England, it’s a renovation or a refurbishment.

2. And it’s not a residential renovation. It’s a domestic renovation.

3. If you ask Vickie if she wants an addition, she might look puzzled. Across the Atlantic, a new room or wing is an extension.

4. If you’re asking if she wants a custom kitchen and you get a cute wrinkly nose in response, try asking if she wants a bespoke kitchen instead.

5. When Vic calls you one day and says she wants you to come over and make good, that’s not an invitation for anything other than fixing something that broke.

A few more translations: Refer to the living room as the lounge. crown molding as coving, and drywalling as dry lining.

Want more? Check out Wikipedia’s list of British words not widely used in the United States.

What do you think? Any more suggestions???

(Photo: MARK AVERY / Los Angeles Times)

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