Tips for the contractor remodeling Victoria Beckham’s home

Beckhamdodgers_2According to a tipster quoted on the Celebrity Houses Blog, the 13,000-square-foot, $22 million Beverly Hills mansion bought by uber celebrity Victoria Beckham “still needs a bit of work inside.”

That bit of work could be a tax-bracket-changing gig for a SoCal remodeling contractor. Toward that goal (get it?), here are some tips:

First and foremost, be ugly. Victoria’s already said she won’t hire any good-looking help (you may recall a nanny issue some time ago). I assume that will extend to the male gender.

And don’t let the remodel itself be too striking or attention-getting. As Victoria said, it’s all about her, and you’d be wise to keep it that way.

Then, rather than trying to get Victoria to understand your lingo (“Whatcha mean, toilet? What’s a toilet? Ooooh, it’s a loo!!!), it would be easier for you to learn her language. Here’s what you need to know:

1. Don’t call it a remodel, bloke! In England, it’s a renovation or a refurbishment.

2. And it’s not a residential renovation. It’s a domestic renovation.

3. If you ask Vickie if she wants an addition, she might look puzzled. Across the Atlantic, a new room or wing is an extension.

4. If you’re asking if she wants a custom kitchen and you get a cute wrinkly nose in response, try asking if she wants a bespoke kitchen instead.

5. When Vic calls you one day and says she wants you to come over and make good, that’s not an invitation for anything other than fixing something that broke.

A few more translations: Refer to the living room as the lounge. crown molding as coving, and drywalling as dry lining.

Want more? Check out Wikipedia’s list of British words not widely used in the United States.

What do you think? Any more suggestions???

(Photo: MARK AVERY / Los Angeles Times)

4 Comments on Tips for the contractor remodeling Victoria Beckham’s home

  1. Kathy Price-Robinson

    I have a question for any British building types reading this blog. What are joiners? When I was searching the Internet for British building terms, I noticed that there are both carpenters and joiners in England. I understand that joiners specialize in joining wood together. Right? But why a whole category of humanity just for those who join wood together? Any insights for me on why this is so?

  2. rodney

    A fundamental one: The renovation or remodeling of interior spaces in the UK is usually referred to as ‘decorating.’ Don’t worry, manly men can still do this.

  3., XYZ, PDq.

    6) Buy all materials at Home Depot and have Candy & Candy do the interior tastefully.
    7) Have your subs wear “Bush ’04” shirts.
    8) Speak in a low key way about globalization, scientology, and herbalife.
    9) Whistle ditties about Ayn Rand, L.Ron Hubbard, Kabbalah, Mormons, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, Shrek, and gambling.
    10) Get paid in cash and put it immediately in an offshore account after buying a home in a tax friendly nation.
    11) Yearn for the days of football, baseball, and basketball.

  4. ellen jameson